This Thing Called: Grief 😨

I’ve known for some time now that my life up until 30days ago had challenges but when thinking about the challenges of those I loved for some reason mine paled in comparison. Not that what I have experienced was light work either, I’ve had my share of hard times but for some reason it just didn’t seem as big or as bad as others. I was always grateful for that. But, in the back of my mind I would wonder, can I handle the big stuff? Weird huh? I know but it’s the truth.

Well I no longer feel that way. I’m 30days into this thing called grief and I feel like I’m in a whirlwind. Like, I’m confused. What’s worse I’m on the this roller coaster that just goes back and forth but never truly going any where and not allowing me the option to get off. The only time I think I might be off the ride is when I fall asleep, only to awaken and feel like the ride attendant is checking the bar to make sure I don’t fall out as I start the ride all over again

Ugh, THIS SUCKS!

As a believer I feel like sometimes I'm not “permitted” 🤐 to say just how I feel. I don’t know exactly where that comes from, though I do have an idea. But I’m just going to say it “Grief SUCKS, losing someone you love SUCKS, managing the aftermath SUCKS! and to keep it 💯, I don’t like it!!” That’s the truth, my truth, whatever truth, it’s just that. I needed to get that out, express that.

Now, what’s next. I have to feel all these feelings, I have to process all this…pain, shock, confusion, heart ache, and I can’t anesthetize it. I’ve seen so many people process their grief with an “aid” and life become even more unmanageable. So I’ve decided on this route, I must say, an “aid” seems like a nice option right now. Just being honest. I’ve heard over the last month, take your time, you can’t rush this. AHHHHHHHH! I scream in my head, “why not?” Who wants to stay in this place, this is not enjoyable, this is crushing. The SILENCE of the loss is defening, the cosuming nature of your thoughts feels like a cage, the heaviness of your heart weighs your shoulders to the point where it’s easier to sink. GRIEF, you SUCK!!!!

So, what’s next, how do I manage? Well for me it’s making sure to remember to give myself grace, it’s being grateful for what I shared, and it’s remembering. It’s also getting 3rd party help because sometimes I don’t have the words for exactly what I’m feeling or maybe I need some tips when this roller coaster climbs the incline, allows me to see the top of the “mountain” only to drop like a hammer with a wave of emotions that can’t be controlled or bottled in. AHHHHHH I scream, just when I thought I was taking a step in the right direction. I’m told…. “that’s grief”

I could go into detail on who I lost, how I lost, what I lost but why, all that matters is I LOST. AHHHHHH I’m screaming, I LOST. Man, I never thought I’d be typing that about this but I am. You know another thing about grief, sometimes you have odd, unexpected responses. For me, my humor is even more dry and matter of fact. It’s like, I need it to be literal to remind myself this isn’t a dream. Yeah, 3rd party here I come, you are going to get your money’s worth with this young lady.

If feels good to type this, to express myself in this manner. But again what’s next. What’s next is I keep processing, what’s next is I learn more coping skills, what’s next is I lean on those who share the loss with me, what’s left is that I don’t lose the fact that God is STILL good & HOPE always abounds, what’s next is my feelings are real but they aren’t always reality, what’s next is I don’t forget, in time this will pass. I just HOPE is isn’t a very LONG time

If your experiencing grief with me
1. I’m sorry for your loss
2. I’m praying for you
3. Please do go through this alone
4. There’s STILL HOPE even with tears in your eyes
5. You won’t be on this roller coaster forever, eventually the attendant is going to escort you off